In February, I hosted a Zoom meetup with many of the incredible women in our surrogacy program. These calls are always one of my favourite parts of what I do. It’s a space where surrogates connect, share stories, laugh about the realities of the journey, and support one another. We specifically were talking about the Bridging Journeys Program and how to best support IPs to find a match. During the conversation, I decided to ask them a question that intended parents ask me all the time: What actually makes you choose one intended parent profile over another?
The answers were thoughtful, honest, sometimes emotional, and occasionally quite funny. What struck me most was how different everyone’s responses were. There was no single formula and no universal checklist. Every surrogate described something slightly different that made a family stand out to her.
Some of the answers were practical. A few women said location mattered. If intended parents were local and able to attend appointments or be more present during the pregnancy, that felt meaningful to them. For others it was about how the profile made them feel emotionally. One surrogate shared that she often gravitates toward French couples simply because she speaks French and it immediately creates a sense of connection and familiarity.
Several women said they pay attention to how intended parents talk about each other. The genuine relationship between them matters. When a profile reflects real love, partnership, and support between the two of them, surrogates can imagine the kind of home that child will grow up in. Others said they notice how intended parents speak about the surrogate herself. Do they acknowledge the role she plays? Do they show appreciation and respect for the journey she is taking with them, both during the pregnancy and after the baby is born?
Shared values also came up frequently. Many surrogates look for families they can relate to in some way, whether that is similar family values, parenting philosophies, or simply a sense that they would get along easily. Sometimes the decision is influenced by life stage as well. One surrogate said she once chose an older couple because she knew time was incredibly important for them and she wanted to help them achieve their dream while they still had the opportunity. Another said she preferred intended parents around her own age because she felt that common ground made the relationship feel natural.
And then there were the more instinctive answers. One woman simply said she looks for “good parent vibes.” It might sound simple, but that feeling of imagining someone as a loving parent can be powerful.
Interestingly, many of the women said that the profile itself is only the starting point. Once they actually speak with intended parents, new factors come into play. How the intended parents interact with her children can matter. Some surrogates said their own husbands’ impressions were very important as well. If their partner felt comfortable with the intended parents, that added another layer of confidence to the match.
A few women shared something that many intended parents might find surprising. Sometimes the family they eventually matched with wasn’t even their first choice based on the profile alone. But once they spoke with them, something shifted. The conversation flowed, the connection felt natural, and suddenly they couldn’t imagine matching with anyone else. Others described it simply as a gut feeling.
Listening to these women was a powerful reminder that matching is not about creating the perfect profile or saying all the right things. Every surrogate is looking for something slightly different. Connection can come from shared values, personality, life experience, humor, language, or simply the feeling that two families belong on this journey together.
For intended parents, the best approach is simply to be genuine. Share your story honestly. Show the love between you. Talk about your hopes for the future and the role you see a surrogate playing in helping you build your family. The right surrogate isn’t looking for perfection. She’s looking for the connection that feels right for her, and when that connection happens, the match often feels natural for everyone involved.
M(Other) starring Angela