Intended Parent perspective – written by Agatha Wisniowska
When people enter surrogacy, the outside assumption is often that the goal is one child. That if we can just hold one baby in our arms, the dream will be complete. But that’s simply not true. It’s time to flip the script on the idea that people are satisfied with just one after surrogacy.
Most of us (Intended Parents) don’t only want one child—we just don’t know if even one is possible. The road feels impossible, fragile, and overwhelming. We guard our hearts, protect our hopes, and refuse to let ourselves imagine more. Because even imagining one feels like climbing a mountain. Two? That’s fantasy. And then it happens. A child is born. The bridge holds. The impossible becomes possible. And suddenly, you realize: If it was possible once, maybe it can be possible again. That’s where the single-child dilemma truly begins.
The Weight of Intention
For most parents, deciding to have a second child is simply a choice. For parents through surrogacy, it is anything but simple. Every step of the first journey was intentional: the appointments, the contracts, the money transfers, the waiting, the hope, the heartbreak, the community built around that single goal. Every child born through surrogacy is not an accident. It is an achievement. So when the idea of a sibling emerges, it’s never just about wanting another baby. It’s about whether we can find another surrogate, finance another journey, and emotionally withstand the process all over again. It’s about trying to reclaim the one thing infertility tried to take from us: the ability to shape our own family, to assert our will. And yet, surrogacy constantly reminds us that will alone is not enough. You can want it, you can dream it, you can plan it—but nothing guarantees it.
The Older Parent Reflection
Then there’s the question of time. For older parents especially, raising an only child carries weight that goes beyond everyday parenting. Do I try for another so my child has a sibling—to share memories, holidays, and eventually the responsibility of caring for aging parents? Or do I trust that they will build their own chosen family through friends and partners? Do I leave the realities of my later years to one set of shoulders, or try to share it between two? These are not easy questions. They’re questions most parents never have to confront, because for them, another child is a simple option. For us, it is an obstacle course built of emotional, financial, and logistical barriers.
The Moving Line
The most important question becomes: Where is my line? Because the line keeps moving. First it’s, If I can just find a surrogate. Then, If only these embryos work. Then, Maybe an egg donor is the next step. And before you know it, months turn into years—Canadian embryo donation waitlists stretch to two or three years, egg donor cycles take another six to eight months, and there’s always the risk it won’t work. The momentum builds inside you. The engine starts turning again. And it’s almost impossible to stop. Once you’ve proven the impossible is possible, letting go feels like giving up a piece of yourself.
Society’s Two-Child Standard
And then there’s society. We live in a world quietly built on the idea of a two-child family. And when people see you with one child, the question inevitably comes: “Do you have just one?” Just one. Those words can feel like a knife. People don’t see the years, the contracts, the procedures, the waiting. They don’t see the impossibility you overcame to even hold that one child. They see one, and they assume satisfaction.
Even families who seem “fine” with a single child sometimes reveal a quiet ache. I know parents who outwardly reassure themselves and others, “We’re fine, we’re fine,” only to later admit they always wanted more but simply couldn’t assert their will. Others, like friends who started later due to infertility, or friends who finally solved infertility only to make agonizing decisions about remaining embryos, show the spectrum of experience: it isn’t about desire. It’s about the ability to choose. And that difference is everything.
Why Surrogates Understand
One of the most complex parts of the sibling journey is finding a surrogate willing to take it on. Why would they choose a family already with a child when so many families are waiting for their first? The truth is, many surrogates understand. They have lived the experience of siblings—the way life shifts, the way love multiplies, the way family dynamics deepen. They see the sibling dilemma because they have lived it themselves. And for many of them, that understanding is what makes the difference
No Easy Answer
The sibling journey after surrogacy isn’t just about wanting another child. It’s about how far you are willing to go, how much you are willing to give, and where you draw your line. Some families find the strength and resources to pursue another journey. Others make peace with raising one child, knowing their family is still whole. Both choices are brave. Both are valid. What matters most is self-awareness: knowing your line, understanding the momentum of your desire, and recognizing what it takes to assert your will when the odds are stacked against you.
And in the end, whether one child or two, your child will know they were dreamed of, fought for, and loved beyond measure. That is what counts – but doesn’t ever mean that desire goes away, it just changes.
M(Other) starring Angela