The excitement in any new relationship is easy to get lost in. The overwhelming desire to help someone become a parent takes over and is all you can think about in the beginning. But in any relationship there is give and take at certain points. In a surrogacy arrangement there will always be tipped scales in one way or another. We don’t want to admit that balance is truly unachievable, because it makes us believe that somehow the relationship can’t be equal. But what does it mean to be equal? Is any relationship equal at all times?
When we need something from someone, it always leaves them in a situation that tips the scales of balance. Hence, asking a woman to carry a baby for you creates a power dynamic that a surrogate may not even realize she possesses. Intended Parents are left in a vulnerable state when they must depend on their surrogate to carry a precious piece of themselves. The reality is that Intended Parents NEED the relationship to exist. Like any relationship, there are times when we might need one another for something. To create a family is a big ask and not one that is taken lightly by either party. But it’s ok to recognize that the power dynamics do exist. It is the sole purpose for why a surrogate seeks to find an Intended Parent who aligns with their values. So can a genuine relationship exist when these clear power dynamics are obvious? Of course it can. As long as we can understand and normalize the imbalance in the relationship, we can work to ensure Intended Parents don’t feel taken advantage of and the surrogate can assure the IPs that they are helping for the right reasons; no strings attached.
Don’t forget that shift in power will change once the baby is born and the surrogate is no longer NEEDED. That can leave her feeling a sense of loss for that close relationship if it doesn’t continue in the same way. That’s why it’s important to understand the ‘emotional contract’ as well. While it isn’t anything set out in writing or even necessarily talked about, there is certainly an emotional contract that both parties do enter into. They just don’t always know the parameters of that contract. It is why talking about what you want in the journey is so very important at the beginning. You just don’t always know what the emotional toll will feel like until you are on the path together.
I’ve had friends NEED me for one reason or another. All relationships serve a purpose. Why we feel like we don’t want to recognize this is strange to me. The scales of balance in marriage aren’t always 50/50 either. Some days I carry 70% of the load because my husband only has 30% to give that day. Other days it swings more heavy on his side. But the point of relationships is to be there for each other, no matter what load you will carry that day. When we try and pretend that the power within relationships is always going to be equal, we create an illusion that sunshine and rainbows will always prevail and that doesn’t help us prepare for the difficult times that might knock at our door.
So can we pretend for a moment that the power dynamics are ok to talk about and salute as normal? Surrogates hold a certain amount of power and with power comes great responsibility. I might have stolen that line from Spiderman, but it rings true nonetheless. In the same manner, Intended Parents who are blessed with their baby hold all the power to continue or walk away from the relationship with the surrogate. Power is power. What you do with it is up to you. Choose wisely.
M(Other) starring Angela