Navigating Surrogate and Intended Parent Relationships

By Angela Truppe

Surrogacy is a complex and multifaceted process that involves not only physical and legal aspects but also emotional and psychological components. At its core, surrogacy is a relationship between a surrogate and intended parents, built on trust, mutual respect, and understanding. In this blog post, I want to dive deeper into the power dynamics of surrogacy relationships and explore the emotional contract that each party makes with the other.

 

Power Dynamics in the Relationship

The surrogate and intended parent relationship is built on a delicate balance of power and vulnerability. The surrogate holds the power to carry and nurture the intended parents’ child, while the intended parents hold the power to make decisions regarding the child’s future. This dynamic can create a sense of unease, as both parties are deeply invested in the outcome of the surrogacy journey. The power dynamic can shift throughout the journey, with moments of vulnerability and dependence on both sides. The surrogate may feel vulnerable during the medical and legal aspects of the process, while the intended parents may feel vulnerable as they place their trust in the surrogate to carry and care for their child. So how do we navigate what this looks like? It cannot happen without open communication and a willingness to share what you need during the journey. Honesty is everything. Too much of the time we forget that we don’t have to be a rock for the other person or couple in the relationship and exposing our vulnerabilities actually helps each other understand where your thoughts and feelings come from. We can normalize the power dynamics and recognize that while they exist, we can always do our best to make the other person feel respected.

 

Emotional Contracts do Exist

Emotional contracts are like an enigma. We know they exist, but we don’t really understand what we’ve signed up for in the beginning. We can’t know. The emotions that arise flow in and out depending how the journey goes. It’s not a physical contract; it’s like a cloud of expectations that we don’t necessarily outline because we aren’t aware of all the emotions that will pop up along the way. We don’t even know how we will feel until we feel it most times. We can discuss logistics and plans, but at times during pregnancy there are emotions that just exist and thoughts come with them, along with expectations of how they are to be handled. Navigating the emotional contract between the surrogate and intended parents requires empathy, active listening, and a deep understanding of each party’s needs and concerns. It’s essential to acknowledge that both parties are invested in the well-being of the child and that their roles are interdependent.

Tips for Navigating the Emotional Contract:

1. Communication: Establish open and honest communication channels from the outset. Encourage all parties to express their concerns, needs, and expectations.
2. Set Boundaries: Discuss and establish clear boundaries and expectations regarding the pregnancy, childbirth, and post-birth arrangements.
3. Foster Trust: Develop a culture of trust by being reliable, consistent, and supportive throughout the journey.
4. Respect Autonomy: Respect each party’s autonomy and decision-making authority in their respective areas of responsibility.
5. Emotional Support: Offer emotional support and validation to each other, acknowledging the emotional weight of the surrogacy journey.

The emotional contract between the parties is a delicate balance of power and vulnerability, requiring empathy, active listening, and a deep understanding of each party’s needs and concerns. By navigating the emotional contract with care and sensitivity, we can create a nurturing environment for all parties involved in the surrogacy journey.