Flip the Script #6 – A More Realistic Approach to Age

By Angela Truppe

The Unspoken Truth: The Challenges of Matching Intended Parents Over 50 in Canadian Surrogacy

As a Canadian surrogacy agency, we’ve witnessed firsthand the challenges of matching intended parents over the age of 50. While we understand the desire to become a parent, we must also consider the potential implications for the child and the family. The question at hand is, do surrogacy agencies have a moral and ethical responsibility to have a cut off age for acceptability?

The Unspoken Factor: Age

Let’s face the harsh reality: surrogates do factor age, even if it’s never explicitly stated. The truth is many surrogates are hesitant to work with intended parents over 50 due to concerns about the physical and emotional well-being and the potential impact on the child down the road. For example, if an intended mom is applying at 53, she may not finish the journey until she’s 55, which would make her 75 by the time the child is 20. Ethically, as an agency, do we believe we should be thinking about things like this? We’ve had intended parents apply at 60 years of age, what do we say and write to someone like this?

The Challenges of Matching

It seems that if the intended mom is younger and the intended dad is older, there is a bigger chance they might match. However, it’s common for surrogates to decline matches with older intended parents, citing concerns about their health, energy levels, and ability to care for the child down the road. The journey isn’t cookie cutter. For sure we’ve had older couples with unique cases come into the program and find a surrogate. We had a couple in 2022 that were both over 50 and we were very hesitant to take into the program. But their story was compelling. They were clearly in great health and they had the finances and emotional support all around them. We decided to give them 6 months to find a match and then reconsider working together. Because our program is individualized to work with each couple’s unique story, we do truly want to try to help if we can. Knowing that couples may wait in Canada for a surrogate for 1+ years waiting and then knowing the journey from match can be at best another year (if she gets pregnant first transfer), is problematic at best when couple are already past 50 years old.

The Consequences of Ignoring Reality

By ignoring the reality of age and its impact on the surrogacy process, we risk creating unrealistic expectations and disappointment for intended parents. It’s essential to acknowledge the challenges and have an open and honest conversation about the potential outcomes. It’s not right to accept an intended parent, have them sit on a database for two years to not get matched, and then watch them walk away with two years wasted, because we took them into a program we knew would likely not work out for them. If we simply had set up different expectations from the beginning, the healing and grieving of not being able to achieve a dream of parenting would be less harsh.

The Need for Realism

As a Canadian surrogacy agency, we believe it’s crucial to prioritize the best interests of the child and the family. This means being realistic about the potential outcomes and acknowledging the challenges that come with age. Let’s face it: just because someone wants to be a parent doesn’t mean they should. At some point, it’s essential to recognize that it’s okay to let go of the dream of parenthood. It’s not selfish; it’s responsible. This isn’t a judgement. We understand everyone’s story is unique. But if we don’t want to set anyone up for more trauma and heartache if we know a younger couple is going to be able to connect more with the average surrogate.

A More Realistic Approach

Rather than ignoring the reality of age, we propose a more realistic approach:

1. Honesty: Be honest with intended parents about the challenges of matching them with a surrogate due to their age.

2. Realistic Expectations: Set realistic expectations about the potential outcomes and the timeframe you want to work together to try and find a match.

3. Support: Offer emotional support and guidance to intended parents who are struggling to come to terms with the reality of their situation.

As a Canadian surrogacy agency, we recognize the importance of honesty and transparency in our matching process. By acknowledging the challenges of matching intended parents over 50, we can work together to find more realistic and sustainable solutions for those seeking to build their families in Canada.