Ever tried Online Dating? Let me tell you, it’s a nightmare. Before you wonder where I’m going with this, let me banter a little.
Imagine for a second talking with a complete stranger and trying to navigate how you both feel about dating. He thinks you’re cute. You think he’s better looking without the beard. At some point your casual chit-chat is supposed to turn into an actual date. Do you ask him out or is that too forward? You are never quite sure what expectations are present. Is he looking for something long term? Does he care that you have kids? Do I seem intimidating because I have my life together? How much baggage is he bringing to the table?
Now fast-forward through the initial worries and you finally get to actually meet that person face to face. The date goes well or at least it doesn’t bomb. How many days do you wait before he should ask you out again? Do you text him right after the date and say it was great? What’s the protocol? If it goes well for a month, then what? What’s the next expectation? Holy cow, what happens what it comes to the big ‘L-O-V-E’ word? Eeeeek!
Anybody else have a headache even contemplating online dating?
Try being single.
Why is it that communication can’t just be simple? Why do we fear so much what the other person might think of us based on something we say? We always feel judged and it eats away at us. We wait for that door to be slammed in our face. It’s all a bunch of nonsense. We should be able to say how we feel, when we feel it and not worry about being labelled or judged.
Now if you can’t yet see the connection between the crazy online dating world and the beginning stages of surrogacy, then I’ve done a lousy job at writing between the lines.
The reality is that when talking with a surrogate or Intended Parent for the first time, it can be such an intimidating experience. You want the other person to like you. You want to showcase how amazing your personality is. It can be so stressful to try and ‘sell yourself’ to someone.
But what if we just simply said what we thought? What if we were honest and didn’t worry so much about how our words will sound to the other person? Just let the heart and soul lead the way. Nothing you say can ever be wrong when telling someone who you are.
Fast-forward to finding your match. For Intended Parents, you now have to create a trust with a stranger who is about to carry a baby for you. It’s a daunting thought for most people. For a surrogate, she is now entrusting a stranger(s) to pay for expenses she incurs and to respect her ability to grow their tiny embryo.
Communication plays such a big role in creating and sustaining a relationship on both sides. It’s so important to just put it all out there and know exactly who you are and what you need in your journey.
- Don’t be shy! If you know you don’t feel comfortable without having Nuchal and IPS screening done during the pregnancy, then make sure your surrogate knows that.
- Make it known how much communication you want during the journey – not just during the pregnancy, but before and after too.
- Express your concerns about diet, holistic measures, etc. if that’s important to you.
- Let your surrogate know how you feel about the birth and delivery process and what your wishes would be in case of emergency.
- If you aren’t comfortable with termination, make sure that’s the first thing you throw out there when you talk initially. It’s a big deal and nobody should compromise on that issue.
- Let your IPs know how much space you need in your own life and just be honest about them respecting that space. On the flip, make sure you balance out your space and their need for knowledge and being a part of the baby milestones they can’t physically experience.
- If you want to do things like a gender reveal, birth photographer, etc then be up front and chat about how those things would be super special to you.
- Never, ever be shy about expenses. You are giving complete strangers a miracle – you should NOT be put out of pocket for doing so in return. Make sure you always talk about expenses you wish to have and know that your IPs fully expect to pay for those expenses.
And know that no matter what, if communication is good, everything else will fall into place. A smooth journey is always one that comes from understanding one another and really trusting in the roles you both have.